


Hey, That's No Way To Say Goodbye

by amndacampos



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, Romance, some smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-26
Updated: 2018-02-19
Packaged: 2019-01-23 07:40:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,933
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12502280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amndacampos/pseuds/amndacampos
Summary: [...] something in her chest told her that a goodbye would have been nice. She isn't going to call him, ever again. She probably won't see him anymore. Funny how life can change in a split second. Meredith and Nathan Riggs story. Title from Leonard Cohen's song.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!!!! I am back! I don’t know if you guys know this but I am a huge fan of Grey’s Anatomy. So, I decided to write a little something. My OTP is MerDer BUT this story is about Meredith and Nathan. I know, I know. I love Derek, but I also love Meredith. Therefore, I like anyone who likes them, including Nathan!! I really love him and Mer together! Hope you like this one. (By the way, this is set in season 14, so if haven’t watched the most recent episodes…). P.S: This is my take on what should happen, so… kind of AU? Also, I don't own the characters, ABC does. Title from Leonard Cohen's song "Hey, That's No Way To Say Goodbye".

Nathan was gone. Gone. Meredith heard it from Owen that morning while she made herself coffee on the attending’s lounge. Not a single goodbye, a ‘see you later’, nothing. On her latest encounter with Megan she had cleared her up to go home since she was fine, no more infections, no more fever. There was no reason to keep her at the hospital anymore, so she sent her home. And Megan, apparently, took ‘home’ as Iraq. So she was also gone. To the other side of the world, with her son, Farouk and her… boyfriend? Fiancé? Nathan. Meredith realizes, as she sat down in the couch, that she should have seen that coming. Nathan was being sent back and forth, and someone ought to “have” him at some point, right? Megan did. She took Meredith’s advice and got together with Nathan, the man that cheated on her many years ago, but who also brought back her son from another country. She – Meredith -  understood. She would have done the same. But still, something in her chest told her that a goodbye would have been nice. She isn’t going to call him, ever again. She probably won’t see him anymore. Funny how life can change in a split second. She experienced that feeling many, many times. When her hand was inside a chest holding a _fucking bomb_ , when she found out she was pregnant and then watched her husband get shot, when she unplugged her husband’s respiratory machine when he actually died. Changes and disasters weren’t new for Meredith. She knew how bad life could get. She knew to never expect the universe to be done with the badness. It can always get worse and it will always get worse, that was her motto.

Though, Nathan Riggs was not a change Meredith expected. When he appeared, almost out of nowhere, she didn’t know what to make of it. She shook his hand in front of the OR board, thought briefly that he was a hot guy and then got curious about the hateful way Owen treated him. She supposed that’s what started it all: curiosity. She was tempted by the gossip, and things got messy. When he asked her out in the elevator she almost said yes. I would be great and it would probably have made things a lot easier with the Maggie issue, plus, she would have had great sex for a longer period of time. But, at that time, sleeping with Nathan was the worst thing she could do, given that she really was on Owen’s side and wanted to know about the whole story of why he simply hated Nathan’s guts.

A few months later, in the moment she kissed him on the parking lot as he pressed her in her car she really didn’t care about anything. Not Owen, not Derek, not her sisters. She had a bad day and she was craving sex. She was arguing with one of the hottest man she had come across. Of course she had sex with him. Of course she let him fuck her four times in her car. She would only regret it later, when Maggie confessed she liked Nathan, but that night, when he moaned her name in her ear, just loud enough for her to hear, at one o’clock in the morning, she could only think about him and how _good_ it all felt. She remembers thinking that it felt too much, him entering her over and over again, moaning, with his strong arms around her as she kissed him relentlessly. It still gave her chills.

After the issue with Maggie was sorted out, Meredith was scared. Mainly because her and Nathan would have an actual chance of being a couple. A normal couple. She worried about him meeting her kids and how her kids would warm up to him; about where they would go on dates, in whose place they would be able sleep, in which on-call room they would have sex. Now, that he wasn’t there, those issues seemed so naïve. So irrelevant. She thanked the heavens that her kids didn’t meet him. They would have loved him, she knew that. Nathan was a charismatic guy; he would have won her kids over in a second. If that had happened, Megan showing up would just make things a lot worse than they were.

After she finished her coffee, Meredith got off the couch. Nathan was gone, but she was still there. And she had a lot of work to do.

_3 MONTHS LATER_

Meredith was stressed. It had been a long time since she had to worry about dinners, and galas, and dresses and hair and makeup. Deep down she knew she needed to worry about that: the Harper Avery Award Ceremony was not something to take lightly. She was a nominee and she had to look presentable. She was in Los Angeles, where the Ceremony took place. It was only in three days, so she had time to breathe, but she was already decided what she was going to wear. She decided to go sooner for a conference that was happening there, it made sense. Alex, Maggie, Amelia, Owen and, of course, Jackson, would come down only the day before the ceremony. This was good, to have some alone time. She needed it. She didn’t really think of Nathan that often. She would think about him some nights, before falling asleep, still a bit resentful that he didn’t made any contact whatsoever.  He decided to go. He said he loved her, and then said he didn’t anymore and left. That was it. It didn’t matter that she was starting to consider the possibility of loving someone that wasn’t Derek. It just… didn’t matter.

She heard a knock on the door at her hotel suite. She opened it, and there was a hotel worker standing there, with a bouquet of roses. White roses, neatly wrapped in a light golden plastic.

“For you, Dr. Grey. It was just delivered in the reception” Said the worker, handing her the flowers.

“Oh. Thank you. Thanks” She accepted them, with a confused look on her face.

After he was gone, she closed the door, never looking away from the gorgeous flowers. She looked for a card, and found it easily. She opened it and it read:

_“Congratulations for the nomination. No one deserves it more than you. Love, Nathan.”_

“Crap.” Was all she managed to say.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "She’d look him in the eye after laughing about something he had said and he just knew. They would look at each other for a few seconds, and he felt mesmerized by their connection. By her beauty. By her."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I am so glad you guys want me to continue this story! Thank you for your kind comments! Hope you like this chapter. I am changing a bit of my storyline for what happened in episode 14x05, so it’s a little more canon. Enjoy!

Malibu was hell. When Nathan moved there with Megan and Farouk he knew he would have a hard time dealing with the whole California vibe. On the first month of living together, things were going pretty okay. He woke up every single morning feeling like he had everything a guy could wish for. Sure, he was having difficulties finishing the house and trying to help Farouk adjust with their new lives, but he felt like he couldn’t be happier. He was with the woman he loved, he suddenly discovered he made a great dad and the “manly” part of him felt good for having a family to take care of. He didn’t think he’d have that. Not now, at least. Before he discovered Megan was alive and well, he was too involved with his feelings for Meredith to even think about having a regular family of his own. Sometimes he’d daydream about nights with Mer and her kids, having dinner with all of them, learning to live together. Learning her kids’ likes and dislikes, hearing their jokes, wondering if they liked him and then discovering that they thought he was “pretty cool”. Nathan would be lying if he said that he hadn’t made those scenarios in his head.  The scenarios that only made him want to fight even harder for Meredith. He knew he was in too deep. And he also felt that she probably didn’t like him as much as he liked her. But when they were together, only the two of them, in the few moments that she let her guard down and was just Meredith with no filters: no hard façade, no “you don’t know what I’m feeling right now” face, he knew that his feelings, whatever they were, were reciprocated. She’d look him in the eye after laughing about something he had said and he just knew. They would look at each other for a few seconds, and he felt mesmerized by their connection. By her beauty. By her. That was the thing with Meredith, he realized: when she walked into the room, she didn’t become the only person in there. She was it. She was the room. He was always captivated by her presence, since day one.

After the first month after he left Seattle, things started to get harder. He and Megan fought most of the time.  Though, the truth is, they had always fought. In the States, in Iraq, in the hospital. He had always brushed it off. They were young. Ten years had gone by, things had to be different now. He was much more mature, and he supposed she was too. He still wasn’t used to see her maternal side. He loved it. He never thought he’d see Megan with a kid. And she was amazing with Farouk. She was a worried and compassionate mom. Always knew what he would need, what he was feeling. Their relationship was moving. And Nathan was starting to connect better with the boy. Farouk liked him and felt safe with him, he could tell. That was enough for now.

What wasn’t enough was his and Megan’s relationship. The first time they had sex after ten years was… good. He was worried their chemistry or whatever had worn off. It hadn’t. To his – and he supposed hers too – surprise, it was like riding a bike. She was beautiful, he loved her, she loved him. He felt like it, she felt like it. It was good, it was natural. But that’s all it was. Good. Natural. Normal. Maybe it was just a phase. And that theory would work if it wasn’t for how often they fought now. First it was quiet, bedroom fights, about the door on the kitchen, the color of the cabinets, the ugly carpet that he chose for the living room. Then, both of them became a lot more vocal. One day, after Nathan’s first day on the job he got at Malibu’s Thousand Oaks Surgical Hospital, they screamed at each other so loudly that Farouk actually screamed at them for them to stop. They did, and then apologized, said that it would never happen again. Megan, later, said that if Farouk caught them screaming like that again, it would be over. Nathan didn’t think she’d say that, not really. He didn’t think of the possibility of not being with her. He thought they were done. He thought they’d just be together forever, until one of them died. She was the love of his life who went missing for 10 years. Of course that they’d be together, she was alive, she was there! Not being with her sounded… impossible. Not bad. Just… it wasn’t going to happen. Except, he didn’t know if he wanted that life. He was hating his job at the hospital. He managed to do only one surgery in the span of two months. That was unbelievable. Never would have happened in Iraq. Or Seattle, for that matter. In two months, Nathan was disliking his life routine more and more.  He didn’t hate it. If he was being honest with himself, he could probably live like that for the rest of his life. It could be worse. It had been worse: he didn’t have Megan before. Or Farouk. That was fine. He was going to learn to live that new life. The life he always wanted.

After his and Meredith’s short text exchange, he felt a sense of closure. She was there. He was here. That was it, he would probably only see her again if he went to Seattle with Megan to visit Owen.  She would be happy with her children and maybe would even find someone to love. He was going to be in California with Megan and Farouk.

That’s what he thought, until one day, when Megan was out running errands and he was staying at the house with Farouk. He heard the front door open.

“Hey.” Megan said, carrying a few plastic bags.

“Hey. Want a hand?” he asked, already moving off the couch.

“Yeah. I- I have to talk to you about something.” She said, giving him the bags and watching him put them on the kitchen counter.

He looked confused. “Okay. Right now?”

“Yeah. Can we go to the bedroom? Where’s Farouk?”

“He’s playing with his toys upstairs.” Nathan said, still trying to figure her out.

She looked at him with a certain sadness he wasn’t sure he had ever seen before.

“Come on.”

In their bedroom, who was actually a neatly decorated space, with blueish colors, he closed the door.

“Is everything okay? You look-“

“No, I’m fine. I’m fine. It’s just- This isn’t working. You and me. It’s not working, Nathan.” She gestured between them as she spoke. She looked nervous, that conversation wasn’t easy for her.

“I-.” He looked down at his feet. He wanted to deny it. He wanted to say no, but he just couldn’t make out the words. “I know.” He sat down on their bed.

Megan sighed with relief. “You do? So this isn’t something that I’m making up? That I’m allucinating? You do see that all we do is fight, right? I’m not crazy?” She asked exasperated and sat down by his side.

“I do. We- I think this was fine before because we weren’t in this same picture, you know? We weren’t in this position. We didn’t even live in this country. We fought and made up.”

“I know. And now we fight and still make up but… It’s so tiring, Nathan. I- I am ten years older now, I can’t keep living the way we did, it’s not right. We don’t deserve this, after all the shit we’ve been through.” She grabbed his hand.

“Yeah. I know.” He put his hand above hers.

“What do we do?” She whispered, looking into his eyes.

“I can move out. I can… figure out a life to myself. You know I don’t like this job right now.”

“I do.”

“So, I’ll move out and decide what I’ll do.”

“You can stay here though, it’s not like we hate each other, Nathan.”

“No, I know, I know, but I don’t think we both really want that.” He laughed. “Plus, the longer I stay here, the more I’ll have a hard time saying goodbye to you and Farouk.”

She laughed with him. “You’re right. I do love you, you know.”

“I love you too.” He stroked her cheek. “But this is what’s best. Right?”

“Right.” She said to him, sad that this was over.

After that conversation, Nathan took a couple of days to move out and booked a hotel room in downtown Malibu. He didn’t know what to do, but he did need a place to stay. He was doing okay. It hurt, of course, to be without her for ten years, having her come back and then realizing they weren’t good for each other anymore, but he felt like that was the best decision to make. He hadn’t had an honest conversation with her like that since… ever. And it felt like she was just as done with their relationship as he was. He was going to be fine.

When he saw Meredith’s picture on the cover of JSA magazine on a medical shop, though, things inside him changed. She made it. She was nominated for a fucking Harper Avery Award. She was incredible. He said that once, and he would always believe it. He still condemned himself for trying to change her mind about operating on Megan. Of course she was the perfect person to do it, he is so glad she did it. Megan was perfectly fine, her surgery went perfect, she had her life back. And now, Meredith was going to win the biggest surgical award there was. He was so happy for her. When they were at the plane, when he assisted her with that surgery, he knew, for sure, that she would be praised for what she was doing. He had never seen anything like it. She was incredibly talented. He remembers he felt lucky for knowing her. For being able to see up close how incredible she is.

Seeing Meredith in that magazine cover created something new inside of him. A sense of pride, a sense of she got what she deserves. If he was still with her, he would hug her tight and just whisper in her ear how he knew she would make it. How he thought she was one of a kind. How much he loved her.

He knew he had to do something. He talked to Owen, just to know how everything in Seattle was and managed to discover that the ceremony would be at Los Angeles. Megan had told him they weren’t together anymore, but Owen and him had sort of become best friends again. Then, he talked to Maggie, and said that he wanted to congratulate Meredith, so she gave him the name of the hotel she was going to be in. It was easy. It would just make things more complicated. He wanted it to be just from him. So, he picked white roses, since Meredith probably wouldn’t like red ones and asked for them to be sent to her. He knew it still wouldn’t change anything between them, but he had to let her know what he felt and how happy he was for her.

The flowers were sent on Friday. The ceremony would happen on Sunday night. He was given an invite to ceremony, since the hospital he worked in Malibu gave those out for all the attendings and the ceremony was less than an hour away from there. The Harper Avery Awards were a big deal. Even bigger than in Seattle. Then again, everything in California seemed to be a bigger deal than anywhere else.

He thought of going. He had a feeling Meredith would win. What would she think? Would she hate it and tell him to leave? Would she ignore him?

Or would she appreciate it and hug him? What if he actually got to say the things he so desperately needed her to hear? That she was incredible, that she was the best, that he loved her?

Did she even knew he and Megan weren’t together anymore?

He had to go see her win.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry to end it like this but I had to! This chapter was a lot longer than I expect it and I wanted to make a bit more suspenseful. Please comment what you think, I love to hear your compliments and your thoughts, they keep me going! All the love.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Congratulations, Dr. Grey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the love! I’m so happy you guys are enjoying this story! Hope you like this chapter and please leave a comment, they keep me going!

Meredith didn’t really know what to make of those beautiful flowers. What did that mean? Did it mean anything other than congratulations? She was one day away of the ceremony and her head was a mess. She was nervous and anxious. She really wanted to win. Really wanted to prove wrong every single person who doubted her capacity throughout her life. She wanted her dead mother to feel proud. To honor the Grey name, to make sure her mother’s legacy was passed on. She wanted Derek to see how great she was, she had promised him she would do it before he died. He died and he wouldn’t get to see her win a Harper Avery. She _needed_ to win.

Nathan’s note wasn’t making any of that easier. If she was being honest with herself, that gift only made her realize how much she missed him. She kept imagining what it would be like if he was there with her, like she was a sixteen year old girl. She’d daydream about him, just to be reminded of Derek and end up hurt, angry and, most of all, confused. She sometimes felt like she had to choose. Between Derek and Nathan. Except Derek was dead. He was never going to come back, ever. So, she could have Nathan, who was alive and well, or she could be alone, sulking over Derek for the rest of her life. The other problem was that Nathan was with Megan. He wasn’t there, he was gone for good.

She hoped he was happy. He deserved to be. He had been through too much. But, she couldn’t be pining over him. She was nominated for the biggest surgical award of the United States. She didn’t need to be thinking about any of that love thing at the moment. She was fine with what she had. Her kids. Her job. And her thriving career.

It was Saturday. She managed to call her kids and see how they were doing. She decided it was best if they didn’t come. If she lost she would just want to be alone, and this was a great opportunity to have a mini vacation. She felt like a bad mother, for doing that. But then again, that wasn’t a usual thing to happen, so she felt like she deserved it, even if she did missed them. She spent the whole day lying in bed, resting, looking at Nathan’s flowers, eating and drinking expensive hotel champagne. At night, she watched a crappy movie on Netflix and went to bed at eleven.

She woke up early, as she always did, at 6 a.m. She felt good. Well rested. Today was the day. Things might change after the ceremony. If she won, she was going to be the happiest woman on the west coast. She didn’t know what she would do. She actually had a speech in mind. A simple one. She didn’t write anything down, afraid she might jinx it. It was better that way.

Her hairstylist and make up artist arrived at four thirty. The ceremony would start at seven. She talked to Jackson on the phone, going over everything that might happen, asking how everything worked and all that. She was even more nervous than the day before, if that was possible. She was restless and euphoric, couldn’t stand still. Her hair and make up were done, and she was left alone in her room once more. She put on her dress.

It was a long red dress. It wasn’t too flowy but it wasn’t too tight either. She felt beautiful. More often than not, Meredith would pass days without looking at herself properly in the mirror Now, though, she couldn’t help it. She felt better than she had in a while. Never, in a million years, she would think that she be where she is right now. If someone told her 15 years ago that she’d be a award nominee general surgeon, with three kids that had Derek Shepherd as their father, she would never believe it. And there she was. If she believed in God she would be thanking him right about now. It was hard to believe in God after all the bad things that had happened to her. But this was a good thing. This was the best thing.

She arrived at where the ceremony would take place at seven, right on time. She was sat next to Jackson and his mother, since they were the only people she actually knew. She knew some other faces, from conferences, old colleagues. Nathan wasn’t there. She didn’t expect him to come, not really. Sure, he was only an hour away, but him coming would mean so many things. Too many things. Things she didn’t need to be thinking.

A lot of people came to her. She was a bit overwhelmed, actually. Lots of people sucking up, complimenting her, a couple of people looking at her weird, probably competition. But, if there was one thing that fancy doctors did well it was giving away fake smiles and compliments. She was good at it too, so, that’s what she was doing to pass time and to try to forget her nervousness.

Everything went by so fast. She felt like she was dreaming the whole thing. The next thing she knew she was being called at the stage.

She had won.

She fucking won.

She won the Harper Avery award for Surgical Innovation for saving Megan Hunt’s life.

She managed to change the face of abdominal surgery.

She had never seen her hands shake more than they did when she received the award from Catherine.

In her speech, she managed to thank everyone. Derek, her mother, Lexie. Everyone she missed, everyone whose death moved her more than words could say. She chose not to mention anyone else, mainly because she was afraid she would forget someone.

Backstage, she felt like she was flying. She couldn’t stop smiling. She did it. People told her where to go, to go take pictures with the Foundation owners, Catherine, Jackson, the other winners. After the ceremony was over, she went with them to celebrate at the bar of the hotel the ceremony was held. She face timed Alex, the kids, Maggie and Amelia, who were all together, cheering and praising her. She felt happier than she thought it was possible. It was midnight by the time they hung up. Jackson and Catherine were talking with some other guests. She decided to go to bar, to order one more drink, the second of the night, since she was too nervous to ingest anything before. She put her award on the bar counter as she sat down on the stool. She ran her fingers through her engraved name on the acrylic prize. She still couldn’t believe it.

She ordered a vodka tonic to the bartender. As she waited, she felt someone sit down next to her, but didn’t look.

“Congratulations, Dr. Grey.”

She turned to her side to see Nathan grinning at her. Surprised, she smiled back, as she moved to hug him tight, without saying a word.

“You’re amazing.” She heard him whisper in her neck.

God, she had missed him.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The connection between the two of them was too strong to ignore, since that day they shook hands in front of the OR board. Although she manages to control herself at times, right now, after a couple of drinks, no one around and after winning that award, she wasn’t really planning on restraining herself."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you once again for the incredible reviews! I am thrilled that you like this story! Hope you like this chapter as well. Enjoy!

Meredith did not know what he was doing there, how he found her or why she just lunged herself in his arms so quickly. All she knew was that he was there. She could smell his scent that was so _him_ and could feel his strong arms involve her smaller figure. She pulled from him, still in a trance.

“What are you doing here, Nathan?”

“Well, I thought you were happy to see me.” He grinned in a way that, in any other circumstance, would make her take him to her room and have her way with him.

“I-. I don’t-. How did you know-?

“Long story.” Nathan said, sitting back down on the stool, followed by her. “I actually got an invitation from the hospital I’m working in Malibu. I was going to come see you on the actual ceremony, but… I took some wrong turns on the highway, got there too late.” His face expressed his disappointment.

“How did you know where I was?”

“Maggie gave me the hotel’s name. Is that stalkerish of me? I didn’t mean to-“ He said, afraid he had made a fool of himself.

“No. No. I just… didn’t expect it. I’m- I’m glad you’re here.” She said softly.

He smiled with relief at her unexpected comment. He felt a tug at his heart when he looked at her because he didn’t know what would happen. She had a power over him and, although it was good to truly _feel_ something again, something real, it scared the hell out of him. The things he felt for Meredith were so strong that he would do anything she wanted him to. If she wanted him to go away, he would. If she wanted him to stay, he would. If she wanted him to stay but not really be with him, well, he would. He knew how hard life was for her. Not in the material, financial side; Meredith was wealthy, she could have anything she needed or wanted, forever. But emotionally? He knew how tiring it was to let herself have new feelings, new experiences. Her husband died. The love of her life died and she was left alone. Feeling was hard for her.

“I-“ he sighed, passing his fingers through his hair and taking his eyes off of hers. Then, remembering the whole reason behind his surprise appearance, he turned to her once again. “You won.” He smiled.

She laughed, looking at the ground slightly. “I did. Can you believe it? How’s Megan by the way? She’s the reason why I’m here, after all.” She said, as she took notice of how his face fell down a bit.

“Oh, she’s fine. Great. Better than ever. She is really thankful for you, I don’t know what was going to happen to her if it wasn’t for you, Mer.”

She looked into his eyes, happy to hear about Megan, but sensing something more behind his words, but she didn’t want to get into heavy subjects at the moment.

“But she’s not the only reason you’re here. This award was only a matter of time, Meredith, you know that. You deserve this. This is not the last one you’re getting, I’m sure of it.”

As he poured these words out to her, Meredith could only smile at him, not able to do anything else. She was always like that around him, come to think of it. The connection between the two of them was too strong to ignore, since that day they shook hands in front of the OR board. Although she manages to control herself at times, right now, after a couple of drinks, no one around and after winning that award, she wasn’t really planning on restraining herself. He had Megan and he had another life, she knew that much, but as he looked into her eyes and said those honest, raw compliments, she couldn’t help but wish for more with him. More time to talk, to touch him, to feel him. To let him know how much she missed him and how scared that made her feel.

“Thank you.” She managed to whisper out. “And thank you for the flowers, they’re beautiful. It had been a long time since someone had given me flowers.” She laughed.

“You’re welcome. Thought you’d like it. I thought of getting some red ones, but I figured you’re more of a white rose type of girl.”

“You were right.”

“Yeah.”

“So. How’s life in Malibu? How’s California treating you?”

“Oh, it’s… complicated. I got a job at this hospital and I think this is the longer I’ve spent without seeing the inside of an OR since I came back.”

“Wow. That’s not good.” Meredith said as she nursed her drink.

“You’re telling me.”

“What about Farouk? How’s he adapting?” She tried to get more of Nathan, finding it weird that he wasn’t saying much.

“He adapted fine, actually. I- I haven’t seen him in awhile.” He said, looking down. He didn’t want to talk about it, but he needed to. If he wanted Meredith back, he had to clear things out with her.

“What do you mean? Don’t you-“ She stopped talking, realizing what had probably happened. “You and Megan…?”

“Yeah.” He said looking up at her again. “It turns out that ten years change people. A lot. All we did was fight. And God, I couldn’t live like that, Mer. I couldn’t let her live like that. And Farouk, he was doing so well, we didn’t want to make this harder than it already is for him.”

“Yeah.” She didn’t know what else to say, she was shocked. She didn’t see that coming, _at all_.

“So we… Broke up. I’m staying in a hotel in the city until I figure this all out.”

“What about your job? What are you going to do?”

“I don’t wanna quit yet. It was actually really hard to find something there, I don’t know if I’m going to again. Not everyone has a Harper Avery Award in their curriculum.” He teased her, glad to see her laugh, at least a bit. He hadn’t wanted to blurt all of that out, but he really didn’t want to lie. So he didn’t. It was good. It felt good, to get all of that mess out of his chest.

“But, I mean, are you coming back to Seattle?” She asked as nonchalantly as she could, afraid of the answer. She wanted him near. But was she willing to start over with him? Was she disposed to wait him to get over Megan? He wouldn’t just stop loving her. Now that he knew, one hundred percent sure that she was alive, moving on was going to be harder. Megan was there but he wouldn’t be with her. And what if he was there, right in front of her, just to congratulate her and that was it? What if he had no intentions of being with her, of getting back together? It was probable. He had just left a relationship that meant the world to him. It wasn’t going to be easy in the slightest.

“I- I don’t know. I honestly don’t know. I’m –“ he laughed in desperation “I’m so lost. I have no idea what I’m gonna do.” He looked at her and her heart hurt for him. He was vulnerable, she could see it. She had the urge to help him. She grabbed his hand.

“I-“ as she looked around her, the bar was empty, and the only people there was them and the two bartenders. “Let’s go to my room, we can talk.”

“Okay. You sure?” He had to ask.

“Yeah. I need- Yeah, I’m sure.”

“Okay.” He said softly, getting up.

Meredith opened the door of her room, hoping she hadn’t left anything embarrassing out, knowing how messy she was. Not that Nathan didn’t already know that, but still. Thankfully, there was only a couple of shirts and a towel laid out in her bed, which she quickly got rid of.

She grabbed two beers she had in her minibar and handed one to him.

“Thanks.” He said, sitting down on the king size bed with her. Looking down at their hands touching.

“Listen. I know how hard this is for you, but-“ she was interrupted by Nathan.

“No, you don’t have to do this.” He really wasn’t gonna sit there and let Meredith console him when he didn’t need to be consoled. “I’m fine, Meredith. Really. I think deep down I knew this wasn’t going to work. And maybe that makes me an asshole, but it was for the best, I know it was. She knows it too. And you know what? I lied. I’m not lost. Not anymore at least. I- I came here because I had to see you. I really wanted to see you win that award and hug you and congratulate you. You-“ He shook his head. “You have no idea how much I missed seeing you everyday. I missed you, I missed everything about you and I don’t know what it is that I’m gonna do, but I know what I feel.”

“Nathan. What-?” she was confused and she missed him too and she did not know what to say.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry everything got so complicated, you don’t deserve this mess, but, Meredith-“

“I missed you too.” she said softly to him. “I did, of course I did. But Nathan, what happens next? I mean, how can we possibly do this again? Every time we fix things something else ends up breaking. I-“

And then he kissed her. He put both his hands on her cheeks and kissed her. Softly at first and then harder, with pressure, like he had wanted to the minute he left her at the parking lot when she told him about Megan. He felt her kiss him back and tasted her tentatively with his tongue, feeling her open her mouth along with him. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her against him. His heart raced wildly as he felt her press against him.

And, once again, everything fit.

He was finally there.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Love, she learned, made everything harder. Decision making, thought process, the ability to just concentrate on something other than the object of your affection."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hello! I am very sorry I didn’t update this story sooner; I was really busy at the end of 2017, with University and the holidays. I’m also sorry about this short chapter, but I really wanted to post something before travelling! I’m going to the beach in a few days and won’t be able to update this story until I come back, but don’t worry; I am not done with it! Thank you so much for your comments; they really are my biggest motivation to write this, I know how important fan fiction is for us fans, especially in this scenario, with Martin gone. That’s it for my ramble; enjoy and let me know what you think!

Meredith knew from the moment she saw Nathan at the hotel bar that it was all going downhill. The chill down her spine let her know that no good could come from encountering him there, as gorgeous as ever, with his greenish eyes that she always managed to get lost in, since the first time she saw it. The truth was that her attraction to Nathan was one of the strongest she ever felt. She wouldn’t say it was stronger than what she felt for Derek, but it was certainly something she never thought she would feel again. Not ever. Especially not for Owen’s kind of brother-in-law. Not for a guy who had a dead fiancée that would later be found alive. She thought she was done with those kinds of messes, but apparently not. When she was younger and clueless she used to laugh about the girls in the movies that always fell for the wrong guys, asking herself why wouldn’t they just go away when they knew it was only going to hurt? But as she grew older she began to understand that when it comes to love, the one thing you can’t do is control it. Love, attraction, passion, “likeness”, fondness. All things that can’t be manipulated or avoided. All cut from the same cloth, only with different levels of affection.

 

She didn’t know at what level she was at the moment.

 

It certainly felt like it could be love. When she felt all those things just by looking at him she suspected that’s what it could be. When she thought about his hand in hers at one forty-two in the morning when she couldn’t sleep, she was almost sure she loved him. But at times like this, with the Megan issue and her three  kids, she wanted it to be anything but love. Love, she learned, made everything harder. Decision making, thought process, the ability to just _concentrate_ on something other than the object of your affection.

 

Maybe what she felt for Nathan was nothing but attraction. Physical attraction, the kind that makes you weak in the knees just thinking about it. His arms, his skin, his scent. Sometimes she thought she should just give in to that feeling, it seemed a much better choice. An easier choice, if nothing. At times Meredith thinks that’s what got her to kiss him that first time. It was unexpected, it was the last thing she thought she would be doing that day, but that’s the thing with attraction, it comes when you least expect it, and when it does, you get the urge to act on it instantly. Not that her appeal for Nathan started at that moment, she knows it was way before that, but she really needed it. So she got it. Feeling him reciprocate those feelings felt even more amazing than she had thought.

 

But what was happening was too confusing. She hated not knowing. She hated not being certain about things, especially things that were inside her head; things that she _should_ be able to label. And with him there, when she had just won the biggest award of her career, it was too much. It was overwhelming the way he had surprised her and told her that he and Megan were no longer together. Part of her hoped that one day she had the chance to see him again, but the rational part, the one that ruled most of her thoughts most of the time, was certain that that was it for Meredith’s and Nathan’s relationship. At times she would caught herself mourning their 3-week fling – it was what she tried to convince herself as to what their relationship was – but quickly ignore it, because how could she allow herself to be sad over something that wasn’t even supposed to happen?

 

As soon as his lips touched hers she cursed herself for inviting him to her room. She knew what could happen, and frankly, she missed him, so a kiss wasn’t supposed to make her as irritated as she got, but kissing him at such a delicate time seemed wrong. What _was_ going to happen after? She knew herself enough to be sure that if it wasn’t for her contemplation over the mess they were in, they would definitely have sex. Except she didn’t want him to leave after. And, as he said, he wasn’t going to leave his job, not right now. She would be way too stupid to agree to a long-distance relationship when she was in her forties with three kids. And, if she was being honest, she enjoyed his company too much to only speak to him via text messages. Meredith knew that if she let herself be with Nathan, it would be for good. At least until one of them got tired of the other, but she was almost sure she wouldn’t get tired of Nathan. Well. She wouldn’t worry herself with that. Not now, at least.

 

She had to break the not-surprisingly good kiss when she felt Nathan’s hand on her waist. It felt perfect in the same proportion that it felt overwhelming.

 

“No. Let’s stop here. We shouldn’t do this.” She said breathless, pulling away from him  and running her hands through her hair.

 

“I-. I know. I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking.” He responded, looking at her in a way that did not help anything. “I’m gonna go. I just- I really did come here to congratulate you, I didn’t expect-“ he trailed off, not really knowing what to say.

 

“No, I know, I know. I just-. This is not how I thought you and I would go, you know?” She said, looking at him now that he was further from her, still sitting on the bed. “I mean, I know how complicated it was at the beginning, but after we solved the issue with Maggie I thought-“

 

“You thought it would work out. Yeah. I did too.” He knew that convincing Meredith into being together again like nothing had happened wasn’t fair. He wasn’t going to do it. He couldn’t help himself when he kissed her, but he was thankful that she stopped it. “Megan showing up was not something I expected, at all. I think I had given up on finding her. Because… I was happy, Mer.” He looked at her. _Really_ looked at her.  “At that short period of time. I was happy and I wanted you to be happy. That’s what all of this means. I want you to be _happy_. I just wish you could have been happy with me, you know?” His voice was soft when he said the last sentence.

 

“Yeah.” Something squeezed in her chest. “I know.” It hurt and it was getting more and more awkward. She didn’t know what else to say.

 

“I- I should go.” Nathan said, standing up.

 

“Okay.” She whispered, knowing he had to. For their sake.

 

“I-.” He looked back, with his hand in the door handle. “We’ll figure this out. This isn’t goodbye. Right?” He asked with a shy smile, looking for reaffirmation, care, love, anything that she could possibly give him.

 

Her eyes weren’t as shiny now and he knew that her icy façade was coming back, and that’s why her words surprised him when she looked him in the eye. “No. This isn’t goodbye.” she said, with a light smile.

 

Nathan knew what he did and why he had to do it.

 

He also knew, from personal experience, that if you love someone, it’s worth fighting for.

 

No matter what the odds are.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why on Earth everything had to be so difficult when it came to them?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Sorry for the delay. Thank you so very much for your comments, they make my day! I hope you enjoy this as much as I enjoyed writing it. Much love!

Only when Meredith came back to Seattle and got back to her routine that she started to feel whole again. Her encounter with Nathan had been emotionally exhausting. She hated herself for doing the right thing and stopping him that night. It had been two months since then. Sixty days without seeing him, or hearing from him. It was for the best. She knew it was. She was in her forties. She had kids to take care of, kids whose father was dead. Of course she had help, but Amelia had her own thing going own with Owen, Alex with Jo and Maggie… Maggie helped her a lot. But she knew her sister wouldn’t be there forever. Meredith didn’t want her to. The truth is that juggling a career as overwhelming as hers along with her three young kids was not something she thought she would be doing. Ever. By the time Meredith met Derek she started to change her mind about having kids, but before that, if you told her that she would have a house full of toys, food and crayons all over the floor she would laugh her ass off.

And even though she knew her and Derek would end up having kids, she never really thought it would be three. Meredith grew up an only child, so… three is a lot. But it was nice. She didn’t know what she would do if Derek had died and left her alone. With nothing but memories and a blue post-it. She thanked the God she didn’t believe in every time she was feeling depressed and heard one of the kids’ laugh across the hall. After all she had been through and all that she still had to fight, those three faces made everything, _everything_ , worth it.

When she thought about the child she lost when Derek was shot, which was not as often as it once was, she just felt sad. Her life would be so different. She would have a kid who would be around Zola’s age. Would Meredith and Derek even have adopted Zola? She didn’t like to think about that. It made her no good. But she would have liked to know her baby. Her first baby. Her and Derek’s first child.

She was done with kids, she knew that much. Zola, Bailey and Ellis were enough. She would always have the house full, she would make sure of that. Make sure to raise them right, with love, so that they would always want to come back to her, even when they got older and built their own lives. That was one of her priorities.

That’s one of the reasons why the whole Nathan issue was an arduous one. She is smart enough to know that she does deserve to experience love again. In whatever form, in whatever intensity the Universe could allow her to. But just the thought of her kids meeting him, and them being too attached to him, and then, him leaving, or her leaving him… that possibility overwhelmed her in a way that she couldn’t quite bear it. It wasn’t easy to trust anyone enough to enter her life like that.

But Nathan was… something. It hit her instantly and now looking back, it went by so fast. Their relationship or whatever she could call it, to an outsider, was no more than a fling, but she would be lying if said that it didn’t hit her hard. And she knew it wasn’t because it was her first try after Derek died, because it wasn’t. She had a thing with Thorpe, which went terrible. But with Nathan, it was different. She knew it. She felt it. Most importantly, she felt that they didn’t get to let their relationship get to a place where everything was simply… fine. And she felt that possibility, that was the thing. She knew that if she let herself just _feel_ and let _him_ show her the affection she knew he had it in him things would be close to perfect.

Maybe that’s what she had to do.

Nevertheless, it was too late now.

She knew that if she contacted him he would probably talk to her as if no time had passed. She would hear his silvery voice and the only thing that would go through her mind would be why the hell wasn’t he there, with her? Why on Earth everything had to be so difficult when it came to them?

She would let it be. She had to.

Except…

She was in the O.R teaching all she knew for first year interns when her phone rang.

“Can someone see who is it, please?”

“I will, Dr. Grey” said a red haired intern.

“No need to answer it, just let it ring.”

“Ok.” the intern said, picking up the phone. “It’s a Nathan Riggs, Dr. Grey.”

Meredith stopped what she was doing for about ten seconds. “Oh.” her voice trembled slightly with surprise. “Okay. Thank you.”

“No problem.”

Nathan. Why was he calling? Had something happened? She knew Megan was ok, since she had spoken to Owen a few days ago, besides her and Nathan weren’t even together anymore. What could he possibly have to say?

Maybe he just wants to chat. Catch up. Yeah, maybe that’s what it was. She would have to call him back, she was way too curious now. If he wants to just talk, she would try to be as superficial as possible. She didn’t need this thing between them to be even more draining than it already was.

She finished her surgery and scrubbed out, all the while thinking about him. He had only called that one time, so it probably wasn’t anything urgent. He hadn’t sent any text messages either, so she really had no idea what was going on. _Just fucking call him, Meredith, then you’ll know_ , she told herself.

Meredith went to an on-call room, after making sure that she would be the only one in it. She wasn’t going to have any other surgeries that day, unless an emergency came in. Sitting down on a bed, with her back anchored on the wall, she took a deep breath. She was alone. She could do this. It was just Nathan. Whatever it was he wanted she’d be fine and she’d handle it. She scrolled through her contacts, pressing the name she hadn’t read in a while. She took another deep breath before putting the phone on her right ear.

It rang two times before he answered.

“Hi.” Ah, there the voice was. This was not going to be easy in the slightest.

“Hi. Uhm – you called? I was in surgery.” Her voice was pretty normal, nothing he would be able to notice.

“Yeah, I figured, that’s why I didn’t call again.” Ok, so maybe it was an emergency. “I just wanted to- Can you talk now?”

“Yeah, I can. What’s up?”

“How’ve you been?” His voice was casual. It _was_ just a chat. She didn’t know what to make of it.

“Um. Fine, I’m good, actually. How about you?” Now she had relaxed a little.

“I’m great. I’m great.” He didn’t say anything else. Was he nervous? Was he trying to say something?

“Nathan.” She sighed softly. “Why did you call?” Meredith asked with no judgment. She knew the feeling all too well.

“To tell you something. Actually, to hear your opinion on what I’m going to tell you. I-“ she waited. “I might move back to Seattle. Soon. I- don’t know when but I already solved things with my job here.” Now was his turn to wait. She didn’t know what to say.

She knew he loathed his job in Malibu, it was a joke for a surgeon as good and as experienced as him. But she didn’t expect him to come back.

At least, she tried not to hope that.

What would that even mean? Was he coming back for her? She could feel herself start to feel something resembling anger. Was she expected to just rush into his arms?

“Um – Okay?” she said warily. “Do you want my permission? I mean – what do you want me to say, Nathan?” she changed the phone to her left ear, unsettled.  


“No, don’t get mad. This is why – God. Well, I thought it would be better to talk to you than to just surprise you there, I imagine you would hate that even more, right?” He snickered back.

This isn’t how she thought it was going to go.

“Well, yes, you’re right.” She had to give him that. “But, no. No, I- I don’t hate that you’re coming back.” She said quietly. In fact, she was quite happy. That’s what she had wanted to happen, really.

“You don’t?” he asked carefully.

“No. But what’s going to happen then? I- I kind of was expecting to never hear from you again, at least, not now.” she asked exasperated, in a confiding tone.

“I know. But Meredith, I-. I’m going crazy here. I can’t stop thinking about you. I mean, what am I even doing out here?” God, why didn’t call sooner. “If you only knew how much it hurts not to-“

“I do know. I do know.” she risked and allowed herself to tell him that. He sounded as desperate as she felt.

They were stuck in a heavy silence for a whole minute.

“The thing is-“ His voice was quiet but certain now. “Meredith, I don’t want you to be just a memory, I want you to be a reality. I want my life to be… with you. If that’s what you want too. So. I’m coming back. I’m coming back to Seattle. Okay?” he asked for affirmation.

There was no other answer she could have given him.

“Okay.” she whispered into the phone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys liked it! Let me know what you think!

**Author's Note:**

> So… Do you like it? Do you want me to continue it? Please comment! Follow me on twitter so we can chat about Mer and Nathan!! Mine is @greysanatomyxs. Kisses!


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